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Ketchup or Catsup or Catch Up

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted!  Wow!

Things with AC have been pretty… stagnant?  Boy that’s an ugly word.  But that’s kind of how I feel.  I like him a lot, but I feel like things can’t really move forward at all until we’re able to spend more time together… Problem is that means he has to introduce me to his son… and he’s not ready for that.  Which I understand.  So, I guess it’s a matter of time and comfort for him.  We’ll see where that goes.  For now, we text occasionally through the day / night, and once a week he comes over after his son goes home and stays the night.

SS is now in the same geographic area as me, roughly 30 minutes away, and we have seen each other a few times since he arrived.  He tells me he’s not in the right head space to have a relationship right now, and I’d have to say he’s probably right about that.  But we enjoy each others’ company and friendship.

I’ve been chatting with a couple of new guys, one of whom I met last weekend, and have seen once more since then.  I really enjoy his company, we laugh a lot when we’re together, my cheeks hurt from giggling and smiling so much.  I haven’t heard from him since yesterday afternoon, though, and I’m always on the lookout for guys who randomly disappear.  This seems very common with online dating.  I even read an article about it – they call it “ghosting”.  Funny.  We’ll see if I hear from him today… I’m at a point where I’ll actually be disappointed if I don’t 😦  The other I think I might meet up with this weekend, we’ll see how that plays out.  I’m honestly not sure if he’s even real.  I question whether he might actually be an 80 year old man with 17 cats.  We shall see.

The court case is progressing… we’ve had meetings with the Guardian ad Litem.  I’m not a fan.  We go to court in late June.  In the meantime, KB been getting to know her dad.  I took her to visit him in May, and she’s going to stay with him for a week in June and another week in July.  Perhaps more later in the summer, we’ll see.  He and his family have been amazing about welcoming her into their lives, but at the same time respecting the work I’ve already done and the groundwork I’ve put in place.

I’m sure there’s plenty more to say, and I may get on a spurt and post more.  But for now I’m going to hit publish, because I need to go to lunch 🙂


Sarah Kay: If I should have a daughter …

Sarah Kay: If I should have a daughter … #TED : http://on.ted.com/BFDS

Reconnecting with a HS Flame

A guy I dated in HS contacted me through FB (I’m going to call him OF for Old Flame – clever, right?), and asked me to text him.  Luckily for him, I *just* joined the masses and purchased a phone that will send / receive text messages.  So, we exchanged a series of text messages, starting out quite PG and then quickly working their way into… um… not so PG.

Not sure why, but OF has always been a “what if” for me.  For some reason I’ve run into him over the years, and always been curious how things might have been different had we stayed together.  I remember having a ton of fun with him, but I also clearly remember that he was not the nicest guy in the world, but I was convinced at the time that he was a nice guy acting tough and not really an asshole.

So, against the recommendations of my best friend and my sister, I agreed to meet up with OF last night at his house.  I went over there after work, and if I’m being perfectly honest, I pretty much knew it would not be a PG visit.  Well, I was right.  What I didn’t anticipate was the immediate and vivid reminders of why things didn’t work out for us in the first place.  I also didn’t anticipate such a glaringly clear insight as to how much *I* have changed over the years.

I sat on the sofa, he sat in the chair at his desk, we chatted about what we’ve done with our lives since we last ran into each other.  He’s decent in the chit-chat department, and it was a “so far so good” feeling at that point.  Then he laid down on the sofa next to where I was sitting (L shaped sofa, him laying on the long end, me sitting on the short end).  He is so… abrupt (?) when it comes to pillow talk… Very… “take that off” and “come here” and… I don’t know… He just has no game whatsoever, or doesn’t care to be bothered to try, or perhaps truly lacks in conversational skills… I’m not sure what the cause is, but… I know I don’t like it…

You see, even if it’s just a hook-up with an old flame like OF… I like a little affection, a little romance, mixed in with my casual sex… Let’s do our best to make this feel *more* like a date and *less* like an escort service, shall we?  I don’t think I’m terribly unusual in this preference.  I am not a short order chef of sexual activities… I do not want to hear “this is the list of items I would like for you to do, and this is the list of items I am willing to do for you in exchange, and I would like to receive all courses in the order indicated”… Where’s the fun in that?  It just seems so… cheap.  Where’s the excitement, the fantasy, the room for improvisation?  In any event, he provided me with the services he was willing to render (manual), and then made clear his expectations (oral)… maybe it makes me a total bitch, but at the point it was stated as an expectation, I was simply no longer interested.  I tried toying around with it a bit, but it just wasn’t happening for me.  Under the right circumstances, I would have been an eager participant, as this is one of my favorite activities… unfortunately for him, his style and execution were less than stellar…

And this is where the realization of how much I’ve changed comes in.  In HS, I would have absolutely given in and given my best effort to perform up to his stated expectations.  At this stage in my life… If I’m not into it… If my head, my mind, aren’t in the right place to generate the needed level of enthusiasm… I quit.  I’m done.  I don’t owe anyone anything.  This is not a contract negotiation (I have plenty of experience with that)… There are no purchase order terms to take into consideration (I deal with that daily)… I’m a big girl now, and I don’t feel obligated to return the favor if you don’t have the common sense and skills necessary to make me an enthusiastic participant.  Despite his best efforts to make me feel terribly guilty about leaving him with “blue balls” (yes, he actually used that phrase, as if it’s a medical condition that requires immediate attention)… I left.  Done.  And I feel good about it.  No guilt.

I’ll probably never hear from OF again.  Oh well.  No real loss.  I’m not particularly interested in his product offering anyway 😉

Quick Brain Dump

Events of note since my last post…

Court date went ok, my lawyer argued that the motion itself doesn’t meet the requirements of the statute, and should be dismissed.  Court commissioner requested that my lawyer write a “memo” citing the case law and statutes that support our argument.  We have until 3/16 to submit that to the court, then EX’s lawyer has until 4/6 to respond.  Then the court commissioner makes a ruling and either the motion is dismissed or we move forward with a guardian ad litem.

Things with AC are progressing, albeit slowly.  I *finally* received confirmation of boyfriend / girlfriend status, which, as I’ve said, makes me feel like a 7th grader, but I wanted the label, however childish that may seem.  It somehow validates the feelings I have towards him, and gives me a little more confidence in the feelings he has towards me.  Plus, it makes me feel a little less like a tramp for sleeping with this guy for 4 months now.  As sexually liberated as I’d love to claim I am, I still have nagging self-criticism when it comes to casual sex.  Of course, he goes to jail for his DUI soon, for 45 days, so the timing doesn’t leave much room for celebration.  Also, the very fact that I’m now the girlfriend waiting for her boyfriend to get out of jail is a tiny bit disturbing.  On the other hand, to *not* be the girlfriend, but *still* be waiting, would have been even more disturbing.  I’m trying not to let the situation bother me too much, though.  Good people make stupid choices sometimes.  I’ve certainly made my share.  He seems to be a genuinely good guy, otherwise it would probably bother me more than it does.  Right now it just nags at the corner of my thoughts once in a while, and is easily dismissed.  It’ll be interesting to see how much it affects me over the next 45 days, though.  We shall see, I suppose…

KB decided she wanted to get in touch with her biological dad (BD).  I’ve always told her it was up to her, and that whenever she decided she wanted to, I would make it happen.  I think with EX out of the picture, she’s less worried about hurting his feelings, and has gotten pretty excited about reconnecting with BD.  I got in touch with him, explained the situation, we had a couple phone calls and exchanged several e-mails.  KB was nervous about contacting him first, and felt like she didn’t know what to say.  BD offered to e-mail her first, which I thought was quite clever of him.  Also, I’m sure it was nerve-wracking for him as well, so I’m pleased that he’s already showing that he’s willing to do the hard work to make it easier for KB.  So, he sent her an e-mail, and it was *really* good.  Really.  He did an awesome job.  And she was thrilled to read through it, and replied right away.  She sent her reply last night, and he already replied to her again this afternoon.  So far it’s going quite well.  I have high hopes that it will continue to go smoothly.  He’s about 6 hours away from us (or so I’m told, I’ve not google mapped it myself).  So it’s a relationship that will develop slowly, but hopefully that will make it even easier on KB.  I’m sure she’s going to want to meet him, and I’m a little anxious over how that will work out, but I’m really happy for her.  And so, so proud.  She’s handling everything like a champ.

KB had a choir thing this past weekend… where the kids do a solo or a duet in front of a judge (it’s through the school district), and then the judge critiques them.  We were there a bit early, but her duet partner was late.  KB got quite panicked about it, and thought she might not show up.  She was in the hallway near tears, and completely stressed out.  Her duet partner finally arrived, and we went in.  The girls sang, but it was not KB’s best, she was stressed out after all, and at the end she made a mistake and let out a nervous giggle.  She knew it was bad, and of course was already humiliated about the whole thing.  The judge found it necessary to say to her, in a very stern voice, “the music doesn’t deserve that behavior, the listeners don’t deserve that behavior, it’s entirely unacceptable”.  In front of several other people in the room.  He then proceeded to tell her and her duet partner that the song they chose was easy, that it was stuff any 2nd grader could do, and had them sing back a few lines to him again.  I was fighting back tears, I felt so terribly for her.  She was fighting back tears of her own.  It was miserable.  I can’t stand it when adults in a position of authority are so condescending and discouraging.  There are ways to say “not your best performance” without coming across as a cantankerous old man who likes to pick on little girls.  She’s 12 for crying out loud.  The world’s not ending, nobody died, no ambulances were required.  At that age, kids are so self-critical as it is, they really don’t need to be beaten up over mistakes that are, really, of minimal consequence.

Work is… well, it’s work.  It’s stressful and boring, challenging and tedious, all at the same time.  Working with EX certainly doesn’t make it any better.  Did I mention he was selling girl scout cookies for the new gf’s daughter?  Literally made me want to vomit.  I wonder how long he thinks he can keep the act up.  And I wonder how long the new gf’s going to buy it.  Whatever.  It’s not my problem anymore, thank goodness.  Now if only he would just leave us alone entirely, that would be fantastic.

Finally took step one on the bankruptcy and paid the attorney’s fees… Now I have to gather up a crap-ton of documentation and get it submitted to the attorney.  I’m not looking forward to that, at all.  A lot of the information they’re asking for, I don’t even know if I have access to, since EX always handled paying the bills (so that he could spend without inhibition).  It’s going to be a painful process… and I’m not even sure where to start.  Ugh.


Will You Be My Boyfriend, Check Yes or No

I finally got the guts to tell AC flat-out “I’m ready for you to be my boyfriend.  Yes, I am well aware of how junior high that sounds, but it is what it is.  So, I need you to think about what it is that you want, ok?  I know it’s scary, I’m scared, too, but I’m sick of holding back out of fear.”

His response – “10 4”

Why did I not use the Yes / No check boxes?!?!

I really need to get better at asking questions that do not allow for ambiguous answers.  On the other hand, it’s probably best that I not put him on the spot or force a decision.

He came over last night, and we had a fantastic time, as always.  I used to think that “multiple orgasms” were just one of those fictional tales intended to make other gals jealous.  Well, I am pleased to announce that I have learned otherwise.  Go me!  And kudos to AC, too… It was definitely a well planned effort on his part.  I can’t help but wonder sometimes, are most men this patient and generous between the sheets?  Is this how it should have been for me all along?  With EX I had convinced myself that what we had must be the norm… that perhaps most married women were entirely dissatisfied with their sex life, and that this was just the way of the world.  One of those things that’s just a fact of life but never discussed.  But perhaps the norm is actually the complete opposite of what I’ve experienced?  Or maybe I’ve just found a really good guy?  All I know for sure is that AC really enjoys pleasing me, which is an entirely new experience for me, and I’m loving every second of it.

I got my very first ever “Last night was wonderful.  Wunderbar.” text.  Made me feel crazy sexy… I could go for some more of that!  Also, because he was going into work a bit later than usual this morning, I was in the shower first… and forgot to bring my clothes into the bathroom… so, my completely naked self peeked out of the door into the bedroom to see if he was awake, and then snuck across the room to the dresser to quickly pull a pair out of the drawer.  After work, we were on the phone, and I asked him if he had been able to sleep after I woke up.  I wasn’t actually even thinking about my naked dash across the room, I was just asking out of courtesy, because although I tried to be quiet, I wasn’t sure if I was quiet *enough* for him to actually sleep.  He replied “If you’re asking if I saw you naked, then yes, I saw you peek out of the door and then sneak across the room.  Totally busted.”  The way he said it was just so sweet and so comfortable.  It’s really reassuring to hear that, because really, I have some major body image issues, but I don’t know how, he just puts it all to rest without even trying.  Oh, and he saw me this morning with no makeup – literally none.  Straight out of the shower, freshly Noxema’d, not even a touch of powder.  I had on work clothes, and I think that’s the first time he’s seen me in my “business casual” attire.  He told me I looked lovely.  What a sweetheart.

My best friend is throwing a 50th birthday party for her mom on Saturday.  When these guys throw parties, they mean business.  Tons of food, dancing, and lots of fun.  My friend’s family was like a second family to me growing up, and a lot of other friends will be there, too.  I invited Chris.  Told him the kids will be there, too, so even if he has Kaleb, he can bring him along.  I promised not to make out with him in front of his son (he laughed), and told him he could keep it very low key and just introduce me as a friend.  He seemed willing to at least consider it.  We’ll see.  It would be really awesome for him to meet some of my friends / family, but I’m not holding my breath just yet.  It sure would be nice, though.

Boys… and Bras…

Well, Valentine’s Day passed with little to celebrate.

I got a “Happy Valentine’s Day” from a couple of friends, and from AC, but only after I extended the wishes to them first.  And every lady knows it doesn’t count unless it’s said without prompting 😉

My Starbucks Boyfriend (really just a guy that works at Starbucks, but he’s nice to me in the drive-thru, and called me “gorgeous” once, so I’ve deemed him my boyfriend… even though I saw a woman drop him off at work once… it could be his sister, right?) bought me my lunch coffee.  That’s literally the only Valentine’s Day gift I received, and it was unexpected, so I’m totally going to cherish that free coffee moment until next Valentine’s Day, which will hopefully involve someone other than my Starbucks Boyfriend and a whole lot of smooching (which I prefer over gifts anyway).

I met with my attorney and he wrote up a Motion to Dismiss, which I received in my inbox on Valentine’s Day.  Does that count as a gift?  Only if it works, I guess.  It should get filed with the court soon, and then I get to wait until our court date (end of Feb) to see what happens.

AC has court stuff of his own going on this week for his DUI… He had court on Monday, and Victim Impact Panel classes literally every night this week, M-Th.  The classes are super draining for him, so I won’t be seeing him this week, unless he magically ends up free on Friday, but that doesn’t happen often, so I’m not holding my breath.

SS my overseas dating prospect has been awfully quiet.  He’s busy with school, so I don’t think it’s personal, and yet… I miss chatting with him.

Even my male friends are MIA lately… what’s that about?  My life is seriously devoid of any testosterone.  It’s quite sad 😦

So, it’s been a really lonesome week so far, and it doesn’t look like there’s any relief on the horizon.

I’m tempted to start “dating around” again.  I toy with the idea whenever I feel lonesome.  And then I think – how much of a bitch am I that I can’t be patient with AC?  AC was cheated on in the past, and he’s come right out and said “I’m still timid when it comes to matters of the heart.”  So, if I really like him, I should be patient… and if I’m not patient, and I tell him I’ve decided I should start “dating around” again, I really think it’ll screw up whatever it is that we’ve built so far, because it’ll play right into the exact issues he’s sensitive about.  At the same time, how long am I supposed to be okay with the status quo?  I’m ready to kick things up a notch.  So, how long is too long?  At what point am I actually doing myself a disservice by sticking it out rather than moving on?  I really don’t know the answer, I’ve never really been in this position before.

To end on a moment of parental torment… I had to take KB shopping for new bras today… because she outgrew the ones she had.  My baby is growing up too fast.  It’s hard to accept that she’s now wearing the same size bra I was wearing when she was conceived.  Unbelievable.  Is there something I can feed her that will make this stop?

Random Ramblings

Post-script:  This turned into a total stream of consciousness rambling… hope it’s not too painful to read… Now I’m going to watch the movie Magnolia… it was recommended to me by a friend, and I’ve never seen it… I’m ridiculously sentimental, so wish me luck that this doesn’t turn into a complete sob-fest for me!

Received the check from my uncle to pay for the retainer for the attorney, now need to make an appointment with the attorney to figure out what our game plan is for the court date coming up at the end of February.

Filed my taxes, but rather than taking a girls only vacation with my daughter as I had hoped, I’ll be setting the money aside towards additional funds for the attorney, since they’ve told me it may exceed the 2K that I loaned from my uncle to get EX the asshole off my case, particularly if it goes to trial, which I suspect is a probable outcome.

Have been jamming out to Kelly Clarkson’s song Stronger… Makes me feel all bad-ass… I particularly like “doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone” part.  Oh, and the part in the very beginning about the bed being warmer by yourself and dreaming in color again.  Yup.  Eff you EX.  I’m doing fan-freaking-tastic without you.  Better than ever, and I really do mean that.

After literally 2 weeks of AC being sick, he finally came over last night.  I hadn’t seen him since our sushi dinner date.  He came over around 11:15PM, after dropping off his son at his ex’s house.  As my sister so kindly pointed out, this is dangerously close to midnight… and by definition, anyone who arrives after midnight is a bootie call.  Or so I’m told.  By my adoring sister.  Who loves to torment me.

We watched a movie in bed, which required some rearranging of my dresser, since the location of the TV was set-up for one person laying in bed, not two.  I have a canopy bed, and from AC’s side of the bed (wow, yes, I just called it *his* side of the bed), the bars for the canopy were directly in his line of vision.  This was acceptable for watching porn, but not so acceptable for watching an actual movie.  So, I’ve now rearranged my furniture to accommodate AC in bed with me (well, technically AC did the rearranging – after all, I classify moving furniture as a boy job).  Not sure how I feel about that.  Seems like another big step.  For me.  Making space for him in my home, arranging things for his comfort.  Although I imagine I could say I just got AC to help me arrange my furniture to accommodate my male guests, whomever they might be.  I’m sure if things with AC fizzle then the next gentleman that shares my bed will be equally appreciative of having a better view of the screen.

Proud Mom Moment

I don’t have a lot of time to write at this particular moment, but I’m so overcome with pride I couldn’t help but make a quick post.

KB has brought home a straight A report card – again.

My baby… who has gone through so much in the past year… divorce, moving, changing schools, finding out her Papa has terminal cancer… and now this pending court case…

She has brought home a straight A report card every single quarter.

I must be doing something right.  She’s amazing.

And she just walked out and said “biscuits and eggs for dinner, awesome”… then walked past me on her way to her bedroom… and serenaded me with “I love you mom”… for no reason… just cuz… gosh, she really is an awesome kid.  I’m getting teary-eyed now!

Gotta go finish “breakfast for dinner” for my baby 🙂

When NOT to Bring Roses

There’s a guy, we’ll call him LH, that I’ve been chatting with online now for a month or so.  He is 16 years older than me.  I made it clear from the very beginning that I was not interested in dating, as 16 years is really just too much for me.  Call me an ageist, I guess that’s just how I roll (as KB would say).  I’ve been very, very, very clear that friendship was the only thing I was open to.

Over the past week or so, LH has been particularly kind to me.  I’ve had a rough week, and he’s been available to chat, keep me company, and listen to me vent.  For whatever reason, this opened me up to meeting him, and I invited him over tonight.  Again, I was clear, this was a friendly visit only… stop over, watch a movie, hang out.  Absolutely no romantic intentions whatsoever – I made it 100% crystal clear.  After the invitation was extended, I started immediately regretting it… but, it would be a little rude to cancel, so I decided to push the regrets aside and try to enjoy myself.

He shows up.  With roses.  And chocolates.  Seriously?  I mean… I don’t mean to sound like a complete bitch, but… in my opinion, it is absolutely NOT appropriate to bring roses and chocolates to a woman you’re meeting for the first time as a friend.  Maybe if we’re besties and it’s my birthday or something.  But most absolutely definitely not on a first meeting.  It started the whole evening out on a terribly uncomfortable note.

He brings in a duffel bag.  Again – seriously?  At what point did you think this was an overnight visit?  At what point did I even come close to implying that you might be welcome to spend the night in my home?  Could you possibly be any more presumptuous?

Then, we’re sitting on the couch watching a movie… Him on one side, me on the completely opposite side, leaning against the arm of the sofa with my legs curled up underneath me.  My body language could not have possibly been any more clear.  A few times during the movie he asked me if I was bored… and why I wasn’t being chatty… um, we’re watching a movie?

Since he was apparently completely blind to my body language, he told me I should stretch out and get comfy.  Um, no.  Nonono.  I am not snuggling on the sofa with you, I thought I made this perfectly clear – I KNOW I made this perfectly clear.  Why are you refusing to believe me when I tell you that I really do not have any romantic interest in you?  Why is it impossible for you to fathom that I might just want to be friends?

The movie ends, and I tell him I need to get to bed, because I have to wake up with my nephew in the morning.  I tell him thank you for coming, and stand up, waiting for him to collect his duffel bag and exit my apartment.

Good news is, I found yet another use for my fantastic pooch – she fits perfectly in my arms, and serves as a really good enforcer of personal space for awkward moments such as this.  So, I stood, with my pooch tucked up in my arms against my chest, body language once again clearly indicating I wanted no physical contact.

He leans in for a hug.  I keep my poochie-poo directly between us and pat his arm.  He leans in and kisses my cheek / neck – wtf?  I pull back quickly, tell him to drive safely, and open the patio door.  Good-bye.  Adios.  Seeya later.

Oh, and did I mention he had a flashlight attached to his baseball cap.  No, I’m not kidding.  An honest to God flashlight.  And it was MADE to attach to his baseball cap.  He found a flashlight that’s made to attach to a hat, and thought “OMG, what a great idea” and actually paid money for it.  And it’s such a staple for him, that he had to pull it out and attach it to his hat before he walked out the door.

So, another thing to add to my list of “absolutely not”… No men who wear saggy jeans intended for teenagers in the 90s… No men who wear flashlights that attach to their hats (or any other piece of clothing for that matter)… I wonder how many men I’m eliminating by having such incredibly high standards.

I give up.

…Blast Off!

You might not believe this… quite frankly, I’m having a difficult time believing it myself…

Tonight I had my very first *not in my apartment* date with AC.

Yes, you read that correctly.

This is a major milestone.  It’s been 3 months, and although we see each other roughly once a week, this is the very first time we’ve actually left my apartment for a more traditional date!

We went out for sushi at a place near my apartment.  We had a really good time!  It was nice, sitting across the table from him, sharing a plate of yummy sushi.  Dinner was fantastic, a complete success!

Afterwards, we came back to the apartment and I put him to work setting up the DVD player in my bedroom.  Then I nervously let him peek at my stash-o-adult-movies.  We had discussed having a movie night, and although I knew he couldn’t stay too late (had to pick up his son to spend the night), it seemed like we’d have time.  So I told him it was “gentleman’s choice”.   He made his selection, and we watched together for a while, then made our own fun.

Afterwards, we lay next to each other while he critiqued the movie.  It was hilarious, he started narrating from the man’s point of view, using a French accent, because he was certain it was what best suited the acclaimed actor.  I could definitely do this more often… I really like this guy.

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