When NOT to Bring Roses
There’s a guy, we’ll call him LH, that I’ve been chatting with online now for a month or so. He is 16 years older than me. I made it clear from the very beginning that I was not interested in dating, as 16 years is really just too much for me. Call me an ageist, I guess that’s just how I roll (as KB would say). I’ve been very, very, very clear that friendship was the only thing I was open to.
Over the past week or so, LH has been particularly kind to me. I’ve had a rough week, and he’s been available to chat, keep me company, and listen to me vent. For whatever reason, this opened me up to meeting him, and I invited him over tonight. Again, I was clear, this was a friendly visit only… stop over, watch a movie, hang out. Absolutely no romantic intentions whatsoever – I made it 100% crystal clear. After the invitation was extended, I started immediately regretting it… but, it would be a little rude to cancel, so I decided to push the regrets aside and try to enjoy myself.
He shows up. With roses. And chocolates. Seriously? I mean… I don’t mean to sound like a complete bitch, but… in my opinion, it is absolutely NOT appropriate to bring roses and chocolates to a woman you’re meeting for the first time as a friend. Maybe if we’re besties and it’s my birthday or something. But most absolutely definitely not on a first meeting. It started the whole evening out on a terribly uncomfortable note.
He brings in a duffel bag. Again – seriously? At what point did you think this was an overnight visit? At what point did I even come close to implying that you might be welcome to spend the night in my home? Could you possibly be any more presumptuous?
Then, we’re sitting on the couch watching a movie… Him on one side, me on the completely opposite side, leaning against the arm of the sofa with my legs curled up underneath me. My body language could not have possibly been any more clear. A few times during the movie he asked me if I was bored… and why I wasn’t being chatty… um, we’re watching a movie?
Since he was apparently completely blind to my body language, he told me I should stretch out and get comfy. Um, no. Nonono. I am not snuggling on the sofa with you, I thought I made this perfectly clear – I KNOW I made this perfectly clear. Why are you refusing to believe me when I tell you that I really do not have any romantic interest in you? Why is it impossible for you to fathom that I might just want to be friends?
The movie ends, and I tell him I need to get to bed, because I have to wake up with my nephew in the morning. I tell him thank you for coming, and stand up, waiting for him to collect his duffel bag and exit my apartment.
Good news is, I found yet another use for my fantastic pooch – she fits perfectly in my arms, and serves as a really good enforcer of personal space for awkward moments such as this. So, I stood, with my pooch tucked up in my arms against my chest, body language once again clearly indicating I wanted no physical contact.
He leans in for a hug. I keep my poochie-poo directly between us and pat his arm. He leans in and kisses my cheek / neck – wtf? I pull back quickly, tell him to drive safely, and open the patio door. Good-bye. Adios. Seeya later.
Oh, and did I mention he had a flashlight attached to his baseball cap. No, I’m not kidding. An honest to God flashlight. And it was MADE to attach to his baseball cap. He found a flashlight that’s made to attach to a hat, and thought “OMG, what a great idea” and actually paid money for it. And it’s such a staple for him, that he had to pull it out and attach it to his hat before he walked out the door.
So, another thing to add to my list of “absolutely not”… No men who wear saggy jeans intended for teenagers in the 90s… No men who wear flashlights that attach to their hats (or any other piece of clothing for that matter)… I wonder how many men I’m eliminating by having such incredibly high standards.
I give up.
emdashwood 
Wow! This is why, no matter how hard my relationship is, I’m so glad I’m not dating! I agree … he ignored your signals.
I swear, dating is absolutely ridiculous. The one good thing to come of this so far, is that my daughter gets to see first-hand how ridiculous it truly is. Maybe that will give her some insight when she starts dating. Well, and maybe there’s a second good thing, with AC, but that remains to be determined. He could just as easily fall into the crappy experiences category, depending on how things end up… time will tell, but right now it’s anybody’s guess.
Wait a minute, though – this WASN’T EVEN A DATE! I am not even going to count this as a bad date, because I refuse to count it as a date. It was absolutely not a date. Not not not not a date. When I tell some one straight out that we’re meeting as friends, I refuse to give them the power to change it into a date, even if they bring roses and chocolates. It is still not a date. Because I said so, and because I’m the boss of my dating life!
So true 😉 and that was a careless statement. I was thinking more of just being out there having to navigate the waters of who is friend and who might be more when I wrote that.
Apologies!
Hahaha – no apology necessary, it actually served as a friendly reminder that I get to be in charge of my own dating life! Every once in a while I need a reminder like that to keep my head on straight!
I thought the chocs n flowers were nice. When we visit someone for the first time it’s natural to not go empty handed but roses? That was a bit much and the duffel bag lol
Poor him having to leave with his tail between his legs he shouldn’t have assumed so much.
But seriously next time u meet someone on line for the first time please don’t invite them to your house that’s so risky. It’s always said that a public place is better and then take it from there. You just never know exactly who you’re dealing with.
I agree with Princess Laila – no first meetings at su casa. I also say that having made the same mistake WITH A DATE. Ugh. Talk about awful! When he arrived and I laid eyes on him for the first time ever he was chubby and short and had a big mole on his lip (all of which he’d hidden on his profile). Then he drank too much and requested to stay over. I locked myself in my bedroom and made an excuse the following am so he’d leave immediately.
We’re both lucky neither of these men were rapists or liked to chop up women. Just sayin’.
Very lucky indeed. Not just raped or chopped up but a stalker who just makes your life a living misery. Be careful ladies. 😉
The reason why I think most men try these silly attempts is because it has worked before. For every nine women who shoot him down, one will be caught up in the “romanticism” of an act we in the world of normal perceive as outrageous. Men do and say these things because every once in a while, it works. I’ve blogged about this a few times in the past.
The problem I have is somewhere in the middle, when to be forward and when to show restraint. I tend to be very restrained and I think that, had I been a tad more forward on some dates, some of my one date wonders would’ve felt some kind of chemistry for me instead of sending me off with the “no chemistry” excuse.
So while I may be really stretching out what this guy did to somehow justify being, not presumptuous, but overtly interested, I’m speaking from a man’s perspective, knowing full well that what I’m not doing to women is wining and dining them early on in favor of being respectful of personal space when there is a good chance what they are wanting me to do is ease into that personal space a little more than a smile, a laugh, a compliment, or an arm around a waist on a first date.
For every creepy guy out there you all let into your homes, there are men like me still hoping for a chance. Your story is not an isolated one, but I have read other female bloggers on WordPress describe actual dates where the lines you drew were less distinct because it was actually a date. Somehow, at the end of the night, there was sex, or they came terribly close to having sex. For the life of me, I don’t see how the utterly scary excuses for men wind up next to you on a couch or in a bed when perfectly respectable guys are rejected outright. What I’m saying is, you ladies are letting these guys take a crack at you.
And as for that hat light, don’t knock it too much. Those LED versions that fit on the brim of a cap work great at night. Hunters use them. Anglers use them. I’m looking to get one in red to use for stargazing so that I’m hands-free to fumble around with eyepieces and filters without sacrificing precious time consuming acclimation required for night vision. Of course, having said all of these things, there is a time and a place for an LED light on a hat and movie night is not one of them, obviously.
I guess I was bothered by it so much because I was so intentionally clear with him about my intentions. I don’t ever want to be accused of leading someone on, so if I know with certainty that I’m not interested in dating, I try to make it as clear as is humanly possible without being inconsiderate or mean. I’m not always very good at it – I’ll admit, it’s tough. But with this guy I *know* I was clear – I told him, literally straight out, that the age difference was an absolute no-go for me. So if my intentions can somehow be misconstrued, or if guys will still think “eh, give it a shot, it might happen”, even when I’m *this* clear… What more can I do?
I totally understand that finding a balance between being forward and being restrained must be difficult. After all, the line of demarcation is different for each and every woman out there, and we’re not always very good about sending signals of our own. For me, personally, on a date, I do like a man to be a bit forward. I want to know that you’re interested. But there’s a delicate balance, b/c I want to know that you’re interested in more than getting me into bed, too, so… yeah, it’s a tough call. I feel for you… really. On the other hand… ladies have to worry about not being too forward, too… because then we’re labeled as “easy” or “trashy” or any number of other adjectives that describe women that men will use for sex and then quickly walk away from. So, there’s a balancing act for us, too.
Yes, I suppose you could say that us ladies let these creepy guys “take a crack” at us… but we do it hoping that eventually we’ll invite the respectable guy like you! If we go on enough dates, meet enough guys, eventually we’re bound to come across one of the good ones, right? I mean… you’re telling me they do still exist, so… statistically speaking, the more dates, the better my chances of meeting one, right? Not that *this* guy was a date. I stand firm that this was *not* a date. But just hypothetically speaking 🙂
I stand corrected on the issue of the LED hat light. I can most certainly see where it would be very useful in the situations you describe. Totally acceptable, and actually in those situations I can see where it would be quite cute and endearing. Indeed, you are also correct that it was not a necessary accessory for movie night 😉 I live in a fairly large apartment complex, and the parking lot is very well lit. I am absolutely certain he could have navigated from my patio door to his vehicle without the aid of an additional light source 😉
Thanks for stopping by and commenting 🙂